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Welcome Fiction Friday readers and Girls Scout Cookie entrants. This is the post to leave a comment in for the chance to win Lemon Chalets.
When we left off last week Miranda had gone to the Caribou bar in search of the men who shot Vin and run into the CIA agent Christina instead. Now we return to the Cardinal Bar where Miranda left Drew and Suzie slow dancing.
Suzie could feel Drew’s body plastered to hers from breast to thigh. She had her arms around his neck and he had his around her waist, the better to pull her closer. The music was slow, and if anybody on or off the dance floor objected to the way they danced – from side to side an inch at a time – they weren’t saying anything.
Drew leaned back, putting a little distance between them, and Suzie sighed in disappointment. For a while she’d been able to forget everything that had gone wrong in her life and simply herself. She supposed you couldn’t sway on a dance floor forever. But instead of leading her to their table, Drew lifted her face toward his, and kissed her.
“My God, Suzie! What do you think you’re doing?” The voice was all too familiar. Rob. Her EX-husband, who had the power to make her flinch even as she told herself he had no right to cop an attitude on her.
Suzie let Drew go, but didn’t try to break free. She took a deep sigh.
“What do you want, Rob?” She sounded every bit as bone-weary as she felt whenever she looked at him.
A girl was with him. She couldn’t have been a day over 21, if even that. Long, black hair plaited into an I-Dream-of-Jeanie do, Madonna bustier, teenybopper attitude, she fit right in at The Cardinal. She clung to Rob, who – with his balding pate, bear belly, and worsted wool suit – didn’t fit in at all.
“Who is she?” The teenybopper sneered her question.
“My wife.” Rob answered with little attention to his date or the truth.
“You’re married?” The teenybopper’s lip curled up in revulsion. Rob grabbed the girl’s wrist, but she pulled free and disappeared into the crowd.
“Now see what you’ve done? It’ll take me weeks to fix it.” He would try to shift the blame. Couldn’t he take responsibility once in his life?
“Rob, where’s Ben?”
“Who?”
“Your son. Where is he?”
“Oh. Home, I guess. He wasn’t back from school when I left. Why do you ask?”
Suzie put her forehead against Drew’s shoulder and groaned. First thing in the morning she’d have to call around and see if she could find someone better to take Ben until it was safe for him to come home.
“What’s it to you? You’re the one who dumped him on me with no explanation.”
“You need to keep a close eye on him. Some guy tried to pick him up a while ago.” That was as much explanation as Suzie intended to give her ex-husband.
Rob grunted with a distinct lack of interest. He was busy looking around, probably worried about his precious reputation. He’d never had a realistic idea of how people thought of him.
“Are you at least dealing with Mrs. D,” Suzie asked.
“Who? Yeah, sure. Sure.”
The girl who had been with him stalked past, chin up and in a severe huff. Suzie found it hard to take the attitude seriously in a girl half her age. Rob turned like a dog catching the scent of a bitch in heat. He took a step toward the girl, his hand stretched out to her. The pose was ultimately pathetic in a man old enough, but not mature enough, to be her father. He was a visual reminder of the mistakes Suzie was capable of when she didn’t hold herself in high enough esteem.
“This is your fault,” he snapped at Suzie, gesturing toward the girl as she disappeared in the crowd. “You shouldn’t even be in a place like this. You’re too old.”
“And you aren’t?” Suzie shot back.
For a minute she thought he’d hit her. His face went to a blotchy red and he balled his fist. Suzie stepped away from Drew, her own hand tightening for a punch which she dearly wished to unleash. Rob glanced from her to Drew, then took a couple of steps backward.
“Never mind. You aren’t worth it.” He turned in the direction the girl and gone and fled.
For the first time since Rob spoke, Suzie looked up at the man she thought she might take as a lover. He hadn’t moved an inch, but the transformation was complete. He looked like the kind of stone-cold, calculating, rock-solid man it takes put a bullet in someone. If she reached around him now and found his gun and holster she wouldn’t be surprised. Actually, it might really be under his loose-fitting shirt. She’d had her arms around his neck, not back.
She told herself the thought of him as FBI through and through shouldn’t be such a turn on.
“Is he always like that?” Drew spoke with his eyes still on the part of the crowd where Rob had been.
“I didn’t divorce him on a whim,” Suzie answered.
Even though she was a little tipsy from the beer, she was pretty darn sure she wasn’t making a mistake this time as she put her arms around the man.
The previous was Suzie’s House 58: At Cross Purposes
This is Suzie’s House 59: Chance Encounter with the Ex
Next is Suzie’s House 60: Taking Advantage
Wonderful Alice. Rob is a real dog, as usual, you did a great job of showing in him for it. My apologies, I didn’t mean to insult dogs; they are much nicer creatures.
Wow, such terrific tension you built in such a short amount of time. It’s really hard to see what Suzie could EVER have seen in Rob, and the contrast between the two men could not have been clearer! Good for her, for taking a stand.
Terrific! You’ve got Rob’s characterization written to perfection! What a contrast between Drew and him. Loved the line “I didn’t divorce him on a whim.” It shows Suzie’s strength, too. This scene makes me love Drew all the more. Excellent!
Terrific! I’m hoping that we’ll get a newsletter soon. And I’d love to see Drew’s thoughts on the ex. Loved the tension.
Renee
I want a bustier. I’ll take Drew, too.
What’s the teeny boppy see in Rob, I wonder. Is he rich?
Hey, I never said how messed up the teeny bopper might be.
I hate Rob! I wanted to punch him right then and there!
Yes, Rob’s an ass. This scene made me real anxious for Ben. Oh, and hot for Drew!
Yep. I’m definitely going to have to hit Rob where it hurts. And I know just how to do it too. The nice thing about bad guys is they don’t have to respond well.
Drew is turning into my kind of interesting. Cheering for gunfire–shoot Rob, shoot Rob….
You do use some interesting imagery. The bustier, Rob’s worsted suit etc. but I would hope you’d consider thinking much less is more. You don’t need to explain to the reader at all Suzie’s feelings about her ex “still make her flinch … cope an attitude” . This is half explained in her reaction to his first shout at her. She flinches from the body hug but doesn’t unhook from her Drew.
You would probably change this in your 2nd draft. Or maybe you’d just use a better phrase than ‘cope’ . Is ‘cop an attitude’a common idiom now? It use to be ‘cop a feel’ back in the hippy era – suugesting to SNEAK an indulgent something rather than ‘inflict an attitude’ ? In any event, explaining isn’t needed.
In conclusion, you might drift into the male psyche a teensy bit more or barring that, puch up the male dialogue. Or would that be spoiling it for your feminist fans? Surely you don’t want to be entirely predictable defending your heroine Suzie from the neanderthal Rob. It’s WAY too cliche !
You are very brave to put a first draft out there for common inspection. I’d feel like someone had put my shaved head and hands into ye ole’ public stocks where the public could heave rotten cabbages at another fledgeling writer. Best of luck, Paddy
I thought I was reading them in sequence, but somehow I managed to miss this one. Rob’s an idiot. There. I’ve said all that needs to be said about him. As far as Drew goes, I’m with Suzie. I wouldn’t mind snuggling up with that man one little bit.
[...] by Blood by Jodie Becker Suzie’s House 59: Chance Encounter With the Ex by Alice Audrey Suzie’s House 60: Taking Advantage by Alice [...]
I liked the idea of bars, booze and ex’s, which shows you where my reading interest lie. What gave you the idea for this particular story as a serial?
Frankly, I created Suzie’s House specifically and solely to fill a spot on this blog. I’d been blogging for a few months and had kind of fallen into a rhythm. I did a recipe every week, and something or another most days. I had a built in audience available, and they said they’d put up with my drivel, at least for a while, so I went for it.
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When I posted the first episode I knew the types of characters I intended to throw together, a good chunk of their backstories, and had a handful of scenes in mind. So far I’ve only used one or two of those scenes. The others I haven’t gotten to yet.
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Ironically, the most pivotal scene in the series so far – the one in which Vin gets shot – Occurred to me a few days before the Friday in which I posted it. I had to ditch a different episode to make room for it.
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I set it in Madison Wisconsin because I lived there for 13 years and thought I’d have a reasonable grasp of the location. I wanted something urban, unlike where I live now.
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As to why I picked those characters and this set up? I plucked it out of the air.
[...] the Subject Suzie’s House 57: Miranda at the Caribou Suzie’s House 58: At Cross Purposes Suzie’s House 59: Chance Encounter with the Ex Suzie’s House 60: Taking Advantage Suzie’s House 61: A Compromising Position Suzie’s House [...]
“She told herself the thought of him as FBI through and through shouldn’t be such a turn on.”
Excuse me while I stand over there and laugh until I pass out. If Drew is FBI through and through then Ben is secretly Satan in disguise.
Oh, and -100 Approval Points to Suzie for learning that her son could be anywhere, the guardian she appointed for him (his father) doesn’t give a rats ass, dangerous criminals who tried to kidnap him are still on the loose, and she doesn’t immediately leave the bar to go looking for him as any reasonably sane mother the world over would do.
Seriously, my jaw almost dropped at that. Ben could be dead in a ditch for all anyone knows, and Suzie is just like *facepalm* “I’ll deal later” and then goes back to snuggling with her new piece of manhunk. I’m not even a mother but my maternal instincts would be screaming at me at that point. Rob might be repulsive and an utter failure as a father, but Suzie comes off little better in this chapter.
Ben is either home alone or … well anywhere, possibly even dead, and his parents? BOTH of them are in a bar getting drunk and making sexy with their latest squeeze. My opinion of Suzie has officially hit rock bottom now (whilst my opinion of Rob lies somewhere in the basement). She’s having a go at Rob for his lack of responsibility, whilst showing none herself. She’s a hypocrite. And a bad mother. Ben isn’t safe with Rob, who can’t even be bothered to make sure the kid makes it back from school. He clearly has zero interest in the safety and well being of his son, and yet despite knowing exactly what Rob is like Suzie still sent her son to stay with him anyway. For his own good.
Actually I’m wrong. Rob is worse than she thinks. She’d know that if she talked with her son and asked why he was crying at the prospect of having to stay with the man.
Still, not having to take care of Ben does mean she can go out and have a sexy slow dance with Drew without worrying about pesky parental responsibility, and since Drew is HOT it’s all good. I was a little confused as to why she was pulling away from him and uncomfortable with it all one minute, and the next she’s loving every second of it, but then I remembered that Drew is a gorgeous hunk. So if he sort of forces himself on her then of course she’ll cave and enjoy it. o_O
Ugh. On the one hand I love characters like Miranda, Ben and Cindy, and even Christina seems pretty cool. But Suzie and Drew … I’m actually starting to hate those two. I really don’t mind the main characters having flaws (all good characters do) but I do mind the story ignoring those flaws and behaving as if they haven’t done anything wrong. Suzie packed her son off to his abusive father because she was too irresponsible to call the police and have them deal with the threat of dangerous criminals, or protest to the FBI about the incompetence of one of their agents (who not only brought her and her son to the criminals attentions but hasn’t lifted a finger to track them down and arrest them), and after reducing said son to tears after he *begged* her not to send him to his father, then went out to a bar and enjoyed a sexy dance with the guy who put her son in danger in the first place, and sure enough discovered that Ben was right and Rob was way too much of an ass to properly take care of him.
And no one calls her on it! No one! Not the characters, not herself, not the narrative, not even any of the other people who have read this story and left comments!
I think I’m supposed to be rooting for Suzie and Drew (everyone else is) but I’d rather see Drew fired for incompetence and Suzie lose custody of Ben because she isn’t taking proper care of him. And that’s not going to happen, because the story is so obviously in favour of Drew and Suzie. And that’s why I don’t like those two.
I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I was taught to avoid defending my work, but sometimes it’s best to do so. I see your frustration levels increasing, and I feel bad for you.
First, I apologize for making no effort to show you directly what Drew has been up to. In the novel form, I will be sure to address this. He has been very active behind the scenes, as you will see much later in the series if you can hold out long enough. He’s been working with the local police, has had vehicles traced, face ID’s run, and all the things that a normal investigation would entail. It is NOT that he is incompetent, but that the men are very, very good at hiding themselves. Their lives have depended on it since they were quite young. I did not address this part of what’s going on here because that was not where I wanted to take the story. Instead, I show him in his off hours – when he is home.
Second, Suzie had no reason to think that Rob would be so bad. This divorce is not proceeding because of the way he treats Ben, but because of the way he treats Suzie. It has been months now, and Ben never told her about his relationship with his father. If she were to see the way they now normally interact, she would be shocked. Ben has been so busy acting like a good boy to stay on her good side that he himself cut off communication. Yes, she should have talked to Ben. That actually was a point I wanted to make – that Suzie and Ben need to communicate much more in a lot of things, but she sincerely thinks it is best to get him out of the house, and they don’t have any other relatives in town.
As to the sexy Romance elements – *shrug* I’m a Romance writer. Most of the people reading the series at this point are Romance readers. There are certain conventions that are expected. It isn’t a bit surprising that they should not appeal to you. What can I say? Except that much later in the series the Romance elements are not so prominent.
I completely understand if you do not with to read any further. I regret it, but understand. If this were a book, you’d have already pitched it against the wall. If you do decide to continue, take heart. The story goes off in other directions in a while, putting all the characters in a different light.