Thursday Thirteen 22: Ways to clean a house without actually doing housework.

All the cleaning suggestions that have been made in the last couple of weeks have inspired me. Here are my not-cleaning tips.

1. Designate one room as a place where no one is allowed to look. Put everything left out in the open in any other room in the house into that room. Close the door. Lock it. Vuala! You are done.

2. Tell you husband how sexy he is when he’s doing dishes. Hey, it’s true. He might as well know it. If you’re lucky, he will even do the dishes with his shirt off, “so it won’t get wet.”

3. Assign vacuuming as a regular chore for the kids. Tell them that getting everything off the floor is part of the process. Don’t let them have the key to the dump room or let them move things from floor to side table.

4. Hire a maid. (I wish!)

5. Convince yourself you don’t have to clean up before the maid gets there because she needs the extra hours anyway. So you end up blushing a little. So long as she doesn’t get the key to the dump room, you’re golden.

6. Wait until the door to the fridge sticks so badly you have to yank on it to get it open before looking too closely at the gunk on the bottom. Just don’t keep anything on the bottom shelf in the meanwhile. This works best with wire shelves.

7. Put decorative paint on the bathroom mirrors so flying toothpaste doesn’t show so much. Then you only have to wipe it down every week or so when it gets so thick you can’t see anything anymore rather than twice a day when the splatters first appear. This is easier than teaching the kids not to splatter in the first place.

8. Dusting can take care of itself. Really. Wait long enough and the dust bunnies will join forces and turn into rhinos. You can simply turn the garbage can on its side and wave a red flag and they will all run inside. Trust me on this one.

9. Don’t unlock the door to that special room until the next time you expect company. Then when you clean the house, be careful not to look at anything too closely while you pile things higher. I hope you didn’t pick your office for this.

10. Dump the dishtowels straight into the drawer without bothering to fold them. I learned this one from my ds when he wouldn’t quit pulling them out and scattering them around the floor as a baby.

11. Tell company that the odd mounds of belongings are not yours. They were left behind by A) relatives, B) friends. or C) the Pixie Queen who will put a spell on anyone who disapproves.

12. Move. Hire the packing, or just leave it behind.

13. Take a deep breath, put on a book-on-tape, and just do it. If it’s a real good book, you may want to keep on cleaning.

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